Confessions of The Black Lover Boy: Anielle

I feel terrible saying this but in the 3rd grade, you were definitely my rebound after my second grade heartbreak. Of course I was too young to understand what a rebound was, but I definitely rushed into a relationship with you because I didn’t want to be alone. It’s crazy to think back and understand that my young behaviors were operating with such “adult” tendencies. I think when you get older you realize we are all kids with different levels of experience. I think I felt you were beautiful but I don’t know. I think I wanted to hold your hand, but I don’t know. All I know is you were my first girlfriend that had dark skin like me and it was different. I feel like I heard you liked me right after I knew I didn’t have a girlfriend any longer. I think I decided in the moment of hearing you liked me, to try and find love again, as soon as possible. Anything I could do to try and avoid the amount of loneliness that was beginning to rise within me. I remember the first few days of us “going out.” People seemed more excited about us than we were. Maybe they were happy to see the two black kids getting along. Maybe they just needed something new to talk about at school. I know what I felt about you wasn’t as strong as what I had felt previously, but at least you were here. At least you looked at me like you liked me, and you made jokes that made me laugh. You also had this beautiful Caribbean accent that everyone else found annoying, but I just couldn’t help but love. I feel like I’ve always been one of those kids that loved accents. Some people can’t stand them because they feel it is harder to understand. I feel like if you want to understand someone, you will. I wanted so much to understand and like you like my last girlfriend. It just didn’t work out that way. There were days when I stared at you trying to obsess over you like I did my ex, but everything about you made you not her. Including the fact that you didn’t like her much.

One day, you came to school wearing a tank top. Sleeveless was pretty risqué in elementary, not to mention it also being New York City fall weather. During class, you raised your hand high to answer a question. You were smart so you always seemed to have an answer. I looked over at you and with your hand up, I saw a little pocket of hair in your armpit. I was appalled. In third grade, when I was still living off of my childish good looks, you were growing armpit hair. I was too young to understand development. I was too young to offer you room for understanding. I took what I thought was the easiest way out and I told a friend to tell you it was over. I couldn’t face you because I didn’t really know what to say about you. For the rest of the time that we were at elementary school, you would always pass me and give me disapproving looks.

I still hope I didn’t hurt your feelings too bad. I really wish I didn’t leave the way I did.

I knew this relationship wasn’t like the others as soon as it started, I just hoped it didn’t make you feel the same way about me as the last girl did.