Tony's Shadow

My brother Tony was always my hero. Diving head first into life's challenges without a fear in the world. He always had this way of simplifying life into the most black and white terms. It consistently made you feel foolish not seeing his path of reasoning. Tony was a man's man and well aware of it. Working out was just

"part of who I am."

I'd sometimes sit and wonder how mom and dads genes went so right with him. Was it the right time of year? Was the sex itself powerful? Down this road of reasoning, my conception must have been awkward and in the shadows. I'm mostly known as Tony's brother which at times even I am confused about my real name. Somehow being called by his name bestows an honor that I am unashamed of saying I revel in. I'd imagine Superman's sidekick would feel similar. People ask me all the time about how I rememebr Tony and I make up some memory that I assume they would prefer to hear. In reality, I live in a constant rerun of our hike in Guadalajara.

Tony loved the mystery of nature. Loved how caves seemed to harbor Earth's secrets. How forests literally were where the wild things lived. Nothing on Earth brought him fear.

"I am Earth"

He would explain plainly. More stating a fact rather than boasting. On this adventure, we were in search of a mexican wonder called a cenote. It's literally an underground river said to have healing properties. Tony woke me up with excitement around 7am.

"Get ready, lets go conquer the world."

With someone like Tony waking you up, some part of you believes that we might actually do it.

We set out with the sun beaming and the tropical heat set to hot but breezy. As we walked, it felt like each whisper of wind cooly guided our next step. Today felt unmistakably perfect. From the Airbnb, it was only an hour's hike to the closest cenote. As that hour slid by, I asked "Tony, where the hell are we going? The spot was in the area."

Tony looked back

"I heard of a less touristy one a little further. If the healing properties are based off of access, Lets get the one most wouldn't go to."

My tired wanted to protest, but Tony and that god damn logic wins again.

We ended up traveling a good six hours. Way more than I anticipated. The way Tony could take every step and not only be sure, but never seem to tire inspired like an in shape personal trainer. We walked down a long road that was surrounded by trees that seemed to go as far as the eye could see. Like walking into a painting. At one point, the lush green of the trees seemed to open. Like the doorway to another world. Something about where Tony led me consistently had an element of surreal. As we walked through the opening a breeze so damp and cool met us and spoke of water near by.

"We made it"

My body began to relax in anticipation. The muddy floor of the forest somehow became progressively rockier until the pebbles under our feet almost felt like the forest's attempt at sand. We followed the path until the Earth itself opened. Tony and I looked down to see steps steeper than either of us had ever seen leading directly into the darkness below the forest floor. In the distance, to Tony's surprise, a family of 6 made it out this far as well. On the other side of the hole we saw a waterfall spilling into a lake. Each member of the family held another's hand as they took the jump from a modest cliff. They were close enough to wave but far enough to not warrant us walking over.

"Snap out of it."

Tony was already a few steps in the hole when my gaze returned from the family. iPhone light in hand

"Get ready"

I placed my bag down and turned my light on as I followed him from the light of day into the darkness below. As soon as we got past the first few steps, the coolness was powerful. Our lights hadn't hit the water yet but the moisture filled the darkness around us. As we took each step down on these wooden steps, I couldn't help but think, how long ago were these steps made? Each step the wood bent in a fashion that warned of snapping. As we reached the bottom our lights were the only light we had. The first step off the stairs was immediately onto stone submerged in water. The sun tried its best to reach into the hole, only to be swallowed by the darkeness. We turned our lights upward and the space around us became gently illuminated. The water had this clarity I never saw in my life. Like liquid crystal, I could see everything the water contained.

"Worth it"

Tony said before running to jump into the water. The splash echoed in space and in memory. I stood at the bottom of the steps still adjusting to the cold of what felt like ancient waters. I watched in shivering stillness at my brother. Completely in awe at a familiar example of his fearlessness. As he rose back to the top he let out a breath

"This water feels like when Jesus wept."

I stood and put my phone light on my feet, and the water almost glowed back at me.

"This can't be real."

I turned my light back to Tony to find him under the surface swimming majestically. Its amazing to me how gently one must move to navigate water. As I watched him frog through the water, I saw something leave the wall under the water and swim towards him. Gently, majestically. This looked like an angel fish and a sea horse became one. It was lavendar pruple and literally one of the most beautiful creatures I had ever seen. I let out a laugh as I said to myself

"This can't be real."

As it approached Tony, it slowed as if to present itself, while I simultaneously prepared my phone to record the surprise. By now Tony had stopped underwater, his back to the fish. In an instant, it reached out and had its mouth on his leg. Tony jumped at the same instant I did. It seemed harmless. Like a nibble of an oversized goldfish. He waved it away and swam away gently. He rose to the top

"Yo, did you see that?

"Yea that was crazy did it hurt?" I said laughing while speaking to him through my phone screen.

"Na but it definitely is strong."

Before I could reply, I saw two of them swimming towards Tony. The new one faster than the last. I looked at him with concern only to seem him look back with his same calm confidence. The new one bit immediately and I jumped again, dropping my phone. Tony was dragged under the surface as he swung back. The power of his blows slowed by the gentle might of the water. I stared in paralysis as the crystal clear water played out the scene. The fast one bit again and this time, the unmistakable glimmer of blood tinted the water. All at once, what I thought were walls became more of the fish, swimming right towards Tony. They ask me how I remember him, and all I can remember is his last fight to get above the surface. Him screaming my name and breaking me out of my trance. I reached for him as he reached for me. I remember getting so close and feeling his finger tips touch mine, a smile of relief as we felt that recognizable touch, only to watch him be pulled away, deep underwater. Screaming without me hearing a sound staring at me until I couldn't see him anymore.

"This can't be real."